2016 Olympic Bid - Rio Wins, Everyone Else Loses

Chicago, President Obama Fail America In Olympic Bid

The IOC got back to the world today, and voted that Rio de Janerio be awarded the 2016 Games. The onlookers in Chicago were shocked as they were bounced in the first round of voting like an American Idol wannabe. Tokyo and Madrid were the other two cities that were in consideration, but to be fair, when Tokyo entered the fray, everyone’s mutual response was, “China already had the Olympic Games!” I know, I know. It’s racist, but tell me you can see the difference. Go on. You can’t! Now stop judging the IOC.

The opening ceremonies are bound to be filled with all the things you love about Brazil (cleavage!) and will mark the first time the Olympics has been held in South America. Chicago sure looks disappointed though. What did they expect? Rio has a huge freaking statue of Jesus! That’s sorcery that even the statue of Michael Jordan can’t compete with. Tokyo has since deployed Godzilla to attack the statue of Jesus.

Brazil pulled the “we’ve never hosted anything in South America” whiny card on the IOC, invariably putting the voting committee on an all-expenses-paid guilt trip. I guess someone forgot to inform the IOC that Brazil is getting the World Cup in 2014 too, which is the second largest global event in sports behind the Olympics. Now the most attractive tourist continent in the world is going to be ridiculously expensive. Guess I’m going to have to take my backpack and hiking boots to tired old Europe!

Rio’s victory is a loss to Olympic athletes and to the country itself. Despite the ridiculous women they boast, the capital of Brazil also has the highest crime rate and a staggering murder rate compared to that of Madrid, Tokyo and Chicago. The games will cost many billions of dollars to produce, and so all those lovely social welfare programs that could reduce those rates will be as poor as Citibank in about three years while the government funnels money towards building more soccer stadiums. That’s exactly what Brazil needs – more soccer stadiums. At least they’ll have an open space to dump all those body bags.

The survivors of the 2016 Olympics will probably have to venture to Africa to contract deadly viruses or be kidnapped in 2020. If the IOC is really intent on going global, we may very well be sending our athletes to freaking Antarctica, where they can happily gain immortality by freezing to death while being subjected to Kate Beckinsale movies.

Sure, a lot of this is stemming from the bitter realization that I can’t afford to go to Rio and that Chicago is about a five-hour drive away. Now all I have to enjoy in Chicago during the summer is some overpriced shopping on Michigan avenue and a Cubs game. Awesome. You know, Chicago might have won if the IOC hadn’t been informed by the Republican Party that Obama was a communist.

Congrats, Rio. And may our Olympic athletes rest in peace.